Saturday, March 26, 2011

One of Our Family Needs Your Help

I got the following comment the other day, you all need to help this lady. You know me, it would be so what the hell do you think he is going through, toughen up and deal with it he has to 24/7. But I know you all will give her the guidance and advice she needs on her side of the fence.  Many of you probably know I am 66 and the old gal i am married to is a robust 50. So i hope she also replies to this. Enough of my ranting and carrying on. Help this lady!
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "When is it time?":

Hello all

My husband was diagnosed 4 years ago with mild memory loss. We were doing fine until 6 months ago. all of a sudden he started packing boxes and telling me he has to go home. He was home. It continued to go down hill from there. So fast. That is what is so confusing to me. He is in a nursing facility now. The doctors advised me to do this. The big question of the day is, Do I feel guilty. The big answer is yes. we had our 35th wedding anniversary in January 2011. He was there and I was at home. This is so difficult. I look for a support group regarding early onset Alzheimer but there is no group for spouses. He just turned 69 years old. I'm much younger and very empty.
This is a good family here and I am glad she found us.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!


NewKidontheBlogg said...

Dear Anonymous,

Call the Alzheimer's Association in your area. Ask them to start a group. It doesn't have to be just for spouses of Early Onset. Start a blog and you will find a network of people.

Since you feel guilty about puttng your husband in a nursing facility, see if you can get some advice from a minister or a counselor. So many women would love to have been married to someone for 35 years.

Do not feel sorry for yourself that things have changed. Life is like that--there are no guarantees.

Find things that interest you and gradually you will accept this situation.

Who blogs about her husband's mixed dementia

Heather said...

My mother describes leaving my dad at the VA as if she cut off her right arm. She continues to doubt her choice while knowing it is the best place for him. She discovered a support group thru word of mouth by other wives of patients on my dad's unit. You may want to ask the nurses or check with social services at the nursing facility your husband is at. There is no easy answers here expcet to know this entire thing sucks for everyone. Deep breathe, take each day for what it is, and know you are not alone.

Anonymous said...

I feel for you. I know when I came to the point that I needed a support group I went to ONE and learned that the people there were not spouses either and really had no clue what a spouse experiences. The spouses probably don't attend support groups because their time is too consumed with caring for their spouse and taking care of family business. I turned to the web and did a lot of reading. When I found this site it was a real blessing because Joe will tell us exactly how he is feeling and what he is experiencing. Sometimes Lynn will share but I guess she really can't use this site anonymously like we can. You are not the one who has put your spouse into a facility. The doctors have done so for his wellbeing. I know my spouse has panic attacks so I understand your husband wanting to go home (find his safety zone). I too am much younger than my spouse and know the battle of realizing I have a life also that needs to continue along with trying to be here for him 24/7. Try posting your thoughts and feeling here and see if you don't get responses from many of us that are going through very similar experiences. I know I have cut loose a few times when I was feeling extreme anger and it really helped me. Hang in there and know that we, the anonymous world are here for you too.

NewKidontheBlogg said...

Dear Joe,

You are reaching a lot of people through your blog. You talk--but our husbands don't. We are sooooo grateful you and your friend Ken in UK are able to write.

Dear second Anonymous,

A year ago I told my husband that I was going to a group to help me be the best wife I can be. My friend told her husband she was going grocery shopping. Now I am actually able to tell him I am going to my Alzheimer's caregiver support group and he accepts that. The last time that support group met we zerored in on the needs of a daughter whose mother has Alzheimer's. It didn' matter to me that she was not a spouse; we are part of a support network.

Different couples have different communication capabilities about the dementia of one spouse. Not everyone is able to be open. I am working on being open and loving with my husband. I would be lonely and so would he if we couldn't communicate, although it is difficult at times. For example, my husband tells me sometimes I am not making sense and I try hard to be patient and not defensive when this happens.

You are welcome to come to our blog about supporting our Alzheimer's husbands. I reviewed Joe's book there also.


karen said...

You can talk to a social worker from either the nursing home , a Hospice or And elder care docter. Believe me they are life savers. I am sure even if they are not treating you are you husband they will help you in someway. Don't know what I would do without my mom's social worker. I would call your local Hospice and just ask to talk to one. I bet they can hook you up. Good luck .

Lynn said...

I feel for you as I do the rest of you. The damned thing is this disease can go fast or slow. I am not sure which is better. Joe seems to be in the middle. Feel free to write here and we will all try to pass on things that we have tried to help with the situations. Joe looks at me sometimes and has no clue as to what I am doing in his house let alone his life. It hurts. We have fought more in the last year about things than we did the entire time we were married. I told him yesterday that we blame everything on the "disease" that he has but sometimes I don't believe it. There are times I think it is an excuse. I am probably wrong but that was how I felt at the time. Even living with it there are times that I don't care because I didn't sign up for this when we got married. None of us did. It is what we are dealt. None of us have the answer for all of the different scenarios that are played out but I hope that if nothing else we can be a sounding board for our frustrations and as for the ones with the "disease" maybe we can be more understanding after yelling at the top of our lungs here. I have not joined a group yet. I don't know that I will. I am not much of a joiner and like Joe I can be very opinionated. If and when the day comes that I need to put Joe away, I will probably feel guilty too. I do not want him elsewhere but I have to ask myself a few questions. Can I physically handle him if he gets it into his head that I do not belong in his house and he tries to throw me out? Can I safely take care of him? Can we have our grandchildren in the house during a rage that just comes up out of nowhere? These are things that you have to ask yourself. If the answers are no then what choice do you have? Their safety and yours are the most important things.
Enough of my rambling now.