Thursday, June 24, 2010

What do I see in the future?

My shrink has sent me back to my pshycologist, for help especially since his dad died from AD and he was the first to garee with me on what was taking place in my so called mind. We have been meeting for a couple of weeks again. Known each other close to 6 years.  As we sat and looked at each other, he asked why I was back and I told him.  We talked to kind of catch up to current things. He asked me, "When I look to the future, what do I see?"  My reply after starring for a few moments maybe longer was, "Darkness". I told him for me I see no future, for when you slice it all up and smooth it all out there is nothing there for me.  Just to keep loosing what abilities I have left and then crossing over the line. What is on the other side of the line, I told him I do not know for I have no idea who or what I will be, except that it will not be me. Maybe I will be lucky and pass on before that time comes. See I look at us in this world of Dementia, as throw aways, really, how many families are able to withstand the constant care they need to give us as we move forward with this disease. It definitely has got tear at them to a point of not being able to handle things. Then they have there families and their lives and all that stuff.  So put Mom or Dad or Gramps or Grams in home that can clean them up and do the things they cannot handle. Throw aways that is what we are. Never mind the years that we put into raising them and helping and nuturing and getting their asses out of trouble, that does not matter that was our job not theirs. Will I get shit for this post, YES, do I care NO, because the truth is what it is. I am becoming more distant to family and friends. My "friends" no longer email me except for those stupid forwards, some are funny. I am not part of their world and I guess they do not know how to talk to me anymore. Even those that I know that have a parent with AD and work for Alz. Org.  Bitter I guess, you see I now see my world closing in and not as broad as it once was. I have my moments, but more and more they are lessening, shopping is nearly unbearable for me now. I fear leaving home because I might get lost even though I have to be taken everywhere. Take care and be good to yourselves.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!


JUST A MOM said...

Joe I LOVE your honesty. I hope you will ALWAYS KNOW those around you DO LOVE YOU and ALWAYS WILL keep you tucked warm in their hearts. I Pray the fears in your heart do not haunt you and you can grasp a piece of JOY every hour,,ok at least once a DAY. IF time comes where your family NEED to place you in a new home I HOPE they find one like the one I work at now. It is HOME for 53 residents with MANY EXTENDED FAMILY MEMBERS. They are NOT throw away's. for ME they ARE my daily JOY, they give me reason to laugh when I feel like crying. They give me LOVE when I feel unlovable. Hope you have a CALM weekend and keep writing from the heart as long as you can. Chin up and take life one breath at a time.

Lynn said...

Just so you remember at least for now that we do not consider you or anybody else a throw away. Your family is not like that. And there may come a day that we have a few problems with you and would like to put you out the door but it is not going to happen. I wish there were a few more days with sunlight in them for you. Hold my hand when it gets dark.

Mrs. Sew and Sew - Karen said...

Joe, This is a brutally honest post. I had a friend that had AD. Now my dad is just beginning this journey. It saddens me that you feel like a throw away. I never felt that my friend, my dad, or you Joe are a throw away. Here's hoping you feel better about this soon. I will take special care to try to make my Dad not feel this way. Thank you for sharing this feeling...making us all aware. Blessings to you, Karen

Brangane said...

Joe, I have read your blog for a year and feel humble that I am allowed to.

The world would be a darker place without you.


Peaches said...

So this post made me so sad...It made me think of my decision to place my father in a home. I did feel like I was throwing him away. I procrastinated the decision by going to different facilities in my area...60 of them, and walking right out with the idea that they were not good enough for him. Part of it came down to money and the fact that with my paycheck and his paycheck (retirement) we would barely be able to afford to live. So after tears and holes in the wall, I decided that if I put him in a home near my house I could afford to live and have less work hours so I could see him everyday. I did see him everyday...morning and night. I guess when it comes down to it I have to remind myself that I did everything in my power to provide the best I could for my dad. I gave him shelter, clothes, food and most of all I gave him love. I have to remind myself that I am not like the others who just drop off their loved one at the home and return only on holidays. I was there everyday and I gave up a lot to be that kind of daughter...the kind that didnt give up on him. If I had a million dollars...I would of been the one to clean my father, feed him, walk him around in his chair. I would have if the healthcare system didnt make it so damn impossible (expensive) to care for our loved ones. I refuse to believe that I threw away my father.
Thank you for your honesty Joe.