Saturday, April 24, 2010

Me a Tyrant?

Really now, such a gentle wonderfull and forgiving person as I, a Tyrant. The truth be known I can be a little, just a little over zelous at times. Ok maybe tyranical to some degree. Lynn is mostly correct in what she has written although I am not sure if I even am with them as much as they may believe.

I feel things slipping more and more away from me. Going out has almost become a big no no with me. I do not want to leave my security. On the other hand I no longer want to be in this house. I feel like I have done here what I was suppose to and I am now to move on. It is a feeling I cannot explain, it is like a driving force that pushes me to do whatever it is that I am to do. Writting and talking about it does not change it, it is there and it is real. Before in life I did not hesitate to follow it. Now I am confused and frustrated over the feeling and lately very unhappy over things. I guess this is part of this world I live in now, no longer sure of feelings, thoughts, direction or security of where I am. All I know is that I am here stuck and not knowing when to get off the bus at the correct stop.

I wonder or should I say wander within my own mind what is taking place, why, where and how do I get around this bastard that is following me and sucking my thoughts away. Who am I today, not who I was 10 years ago I think and not even sure of yesterday. Yesterday is a strange word to me, since everything happend yesterday, not last week, years ago, but just yesterday. Family and friends around to help, yes I am lucky that way I guess, but they fuckin piss me off, I feel that they hover, whether they do or not is not the point it is how I feel and it makes me feel trapped.  Now if they didn's I probably would get angry that no one gave a dam. No fun in this brain these days.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!
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