Monday, March 14, 2011

When is it time?

This is a question I pose to all of you caregivers. When is it time to take away all of the freedom that a person with AD or any kind of dementia? Like the bank accounts... You take them over and they still have to put their fingers in it so things are not quite right, or you know they need to go to the DR. but refuse. The dentist, but they refuse. Takeing a bath and unless you are hog tying them down they are not going to take it. No I am not talking about you Joe. I also know that if things are not taken care of it is a form of abuse but what do you do?How do you deal with those issues. I know that they are coming for me and I can't hogtie Joe down. He is just too strong for me. This is something that I would think all caregivers deal with at some point. When do you put into effect the POWER of attorney and tell them that they can no longer make any decision? It is sad that they are losing what they are and knowing it but when do they not know anymore? Input from all of you would be good because I will be needing this information too and I am not looking forward to it. This will be a battle of epic porportions when I do.
Take care

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yes Lynn, we are in the same situation. My husband has already taken action that has cost us about 5K and I still have not initiated power of attorneys. I know it is something I need to do but it is almost like we need someone such as a DR. to guide us and say here it is, you must do it now. I had wished that maybe he would just not get involved in our finances anymore and things would be fine. Not the case.
I am very interested to hear how others dealt with these things too.

margaret said...

As a daughter of an alzheimers person I can say the sooner the better....ultimately it is some sort of catastrophe...a serious event that occurs ..then we say oh its time...but do not wait for the event...do it before it happens....my mother continued to spend money...played bingo...people were stealing from her...after hundred of thousands ...yes that is correct...some people mentioned oh she did seem a little disorientated...my mother insisted on going...said she was fine...she would get there are say what am i suppose to do...she was not fine..I did not find out until later ...now we have limited funds to care for my mother...I have a 2 sons to put through college...yes it was a battle to secure the finances ....but I only wish we did it sooner...the sleepness nights worrying how we are going to continue the care she needs..this has put us in a very delicate position to say the least...do not wait for the event ..the catastrophe....take charge..they think they are OK but they are not..its part of their condition..their pride...but you will be picking up the pieces..you will have to fix the problems..the mess and it is not pleasant. Bless all of you who are enduring this...it is not easy..its a painful process but do not make it worse for yourself....take charge...you must before the event that will make you say I wish I did it sooner....

NewKidontheBlogg said...

I have the power of attorney--a legal document. Because my husband is used to being the head of the home, at times decisions are difficult. This morning I got angry with too much to do and wanting my Alzheimer's husband to help. I started barking orders to him. He did a few things, but couldn't handle conceptually what I was saying. For example,f the concept of planting five flowers in each of four flower trays didn't make sense to him. He says he will do it when I am by his side. One morfe thing for me to do. My devotions helped calm me down and I called hubby from school to apologize. Of course he may not remember how short-tempered I was with him.

I am on a break for substitute teaching, Lynn, and want you to know we all are suffering with you as well as with Joe. We just do tasks because they have to be done. When I am calm, it goes better for my husband.

LORD, give me the patience needed for the road ahead and come along side of Lynn.

Lynn said...

Thank you for that. I know that when I am angry or frustrated Joe gets the same way. It is hard to be there for them all the time because we used to share the burdens. Not so much anymore.Thank you for the input. any more advice out there?

Heather said...

A very precious gift my father gave us was understanding--despite a lifetime of being in charge-- that things needed to change before they had to. His mother had dementia so maybe it helped him be more willing to allow the control and power go to my mother. Not saying it was or is any easier but it did avoid the horror stories you so often hear.
My you be given the strength to handle the challenges you can, the patience to accept those that you cannot and the wisdom to know the difference.

Scott, Judy, and Jackie said...

Having power of attorney of someone isn't the magical answer. It brings on more frustration... for both parties.
For the caregiver, every decision is left up to them. It is no longer a "team" approach. For the one with Alzheimer's, they now have a "boss". It's a no win situation.
As far as the banking goes, discuss the situation with the bank. Maybe set up an account just for your loved one, with minimal money in it. Once they have their own account, take the main checkbook/bank card away and put it in a safe place that YOU know where it is. This way, you aren't taking away the money, you are limiting it without them asking you or worse yet, just taking it. Remember, if the purchase is more than what is in the account, it shouldn't go thru.
As far as bathing goes... whew! What a challange this can be!! There are times that you're going to have to be creative. What I have found that usually works is to do bathing in the morning before commotion of the day begins. One lady that we had in the nursing home loved going to showers... baby showers, wedding showers. Fixed her some flowers out of wash clothes and did the wedding march down the isle to the "shower" room. For a gentleman that we had, I told him that if he wanted to go out "cattin'", he had to clean up first... there's not a woman out there that wants to be with a stinky man. It worked.
If your loved one refuses to go to the doctor or an appointment, tell them that you just want to go for a drive and you'd like for them to go with you. Which, isn't really a lie... you have to drive to get to where you are going. Alzheimer's is a disease of the short term memory. All the "experts" say to re-direct their attention. Sometimes this is easier said than done.
But remember, I wasn't living with these wonderful people that had Alzheimer's like you all are. I'm not knee deep in it.
Oh and, it is always a battle when it comes to one losing their freedom.
Take care of yourself and remember to take time for you!!

NewKidontheBlogg said...

Well, Lynn, I came home and my sweet husband had planted flowers. Not exactly as I had planned, but I am so grateful he did with his limited energy and motivation. I won't change his efforts, either.

The other good thing today, was having time and the opportunity in the middle of the day to comment on this blog and you saw it. We just have to be there for these wonderful husbands who would be there for us if they could.

Continuing to pray for you and Joe from this end of the country. God bless you both as Joe says and God bless our country. Praying for Japan as well.

Carol

Anonymous said...

Hello all

My husband was diagnosed 4 years ago with mild memory loss. We were doing fine until 6 months ago. all of a sudden he started packing boxes and telling me he has to go home. He was home. It continued to go down hill from there. So fast. That is what is so confusing to me. He is in a nursing facility now. The doctors advised me to do this. The big question of the day is, Do I feel guilty. The big answer is yes. we had our 35th wedding anniversary in January 2011. He was there and I was at home. This is so difficult. I look for a support group regarding early onset Alzheimer but there is no group for spouses. He just turned 69 years old. I'm much younger and very empty.

Paula