Tuesday, September 14, 2010

As The Present Fades

I am still amazed at this point that I can still converse with you and tell you how things are going in my journey or battle if you will. In the beginning and still now i am prepared for the mental walkings and goings but I was never prepaired for the physical problems.  Walking with a swagger, actually kind of a stumble and hunched, feeling icky most of the time, getting exttermely upset around people and sweaty like a pig, shaking like i do, not able to hold things all the time, just not ready for this crap.

I find my world in fading in and out now. I recognize family and people and suddenly they start to become someone else. Same person standing there but my brain seems to switch off and step back and say who the fuck is that. I am finding this to be happening more and more, I feel like i am fading away from Joe and going somewhere and I cannot stop it anylonger. I really wish I would hear from others in this world of mine and what they are going through and how they feel. It is really a lonely place, yes I have people around me that care and help, not the same, they are not here with me, in my reality such as it is.

I must go now my mind is confused and i am getting very angry.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!


Adirondackcountrygal said...

Joe I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. I will be praying for you.

NewKidontheBlogg said...

Thanks so much for explaining so well how it is for you. I am sorry that you are experiencing confusion and trouble walking. May the LORD sustain you each day and give you things to enjoy.


Anonymous said...

Hi Joe,

Thank you for sharing how you are feeling and experiencing. Unfortunately, I doubt that there are many others out there with your condition that have the courage to admit what they are experiencing. I know my husband when asked how he is will only say "About the same as always". I know him well enough to know that he would not verbally express any experiences such as you have described but would try to ignore it and pretend to himself that it didn't happen. He continues to live in denial of his condition. His defense seems to be to try to sleep as much as he can. Yes, I do notice his posture and gait just as you describe but not the shaking. He is not currently displaying signs of anger. It is his compulsions that are so noticable (checking the door three times to be sure it is locked, even when he watches me lock it and several other things).

I am really sorry to hear you say that you feel so alone inside and wish there were some way you could help us to figure out a way to reach you. But then, isn't that the magic answer everyone who has a loved one with AD looking for, how do we truly connect with them?

Thank you for really helping us to understand what you are feeling and thinking, and thank you for your courage to share!!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Joe,
Thank you so much for posting what is happening inside your mind and being. My mom has AZ too. She too is quite intelligent, but has not been able to communicate what is going on internally at all. Your courage and wisdom is amazing. Very inspiring for me. Your wife is very inspiring too. Thanks again. A fan