Tuesday, May 25, 2010

When Happiness Leaves & Shadows Come

As I walk on this journey of mine, although not alone, it does not seem that way anymore.

The wife and I have tried to have discussion about what is going on with me, but that veil of secrecy that has always been around me seem to be even thicker now. It is becoming more difficult for me to express what is happening and what is inside, because frankly I am not sure what the hell is taking place. I get more lost in my own head then I do elsewhere. Out and about with people is close to being a no no.

Lynn has asked me several times what would make me happy. Each time she has asked I come up with only one answer and that is to die or cross over the line. I no longer like this on the edge shit, it is to confusing, frustrating and just gets in the way of everything. I spend to much time crying inside and I have come to dislike me a great deal. But there really is nothing I can do about that, the disease is doing its job and the meds, even increasing them is not helping. Knew this time would come, just did not want to be here for it. But since I am not the ruler of the universe, be thankful, it is not in my time but his (I wish he would hurry).

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!!!!
joe

2 comments:

Joseph J. Sivak MD said...

Hey You.
I'm thinking about you right now, Joe you might not realize this today but I will remind you, a lot of people read your blog. You make people think, and you are doing a great service with for all AD victims, with this blog. On your crappy days, and I know there are a lot of them, it might not seem like much, but you are helping a lot of people.
When you feel like it, stop by and post something on my blog okay?
Remember everybody that reads your words, is connected to you.We are all connected by this crappy machine AD. We are all human Joe, and you bring us together. You matter and you are valued.
Joe
http://alzheimmers.blogspot.com

Mrs. Sew and Sew - Karen said...

Hi Joe! I read all your blogs. God bless you. Please know that you are helping me to understand AD and what it does. No that is not the right word (understand) no one understands this dreaded disease. But you are opening eyes to the disease and what it does. I hope you know what I mean. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Karen