Saturday, April 24, 2010

Me a Tyrant?

Really now, such a gentle wonderfull and forgiving person as I, a Tyrant. The truth be known I can be a little, just a little over zelous at times. Ok maybe tyranical to some degree. Lynn is mostly correct in what she has written although I am not sure if I even am with them as much as they may believe.

I feel things slipping more and more away from me. Going out has almost become a big no no with me. I do not want to leave my security. On the other hand I no longer want to be in this house. I feel like I have done here what I was suppose to and I am now to move on. It is a feeling I cannot explain, it is like a driving force that pushes me to do whatever it is that I am to do. Writting and talking about it does not change it, it is there and it is real. Before in life I did not hesitate to follow it. Now I am confused and frustrated over the feeling and lately very unhappy over things. I guess this is part of this world I live in now, no longer sure of feelings, thoughts, direction or security of where I am. All I know is that I am here stuck and not knowing when to get off the bus at the correct stop.

I wonder or should I say wander within my own mind what is taking place, why, where and how do I get around this bastard that is following me and sucking my thoughts away. Who am I today, not who I was 10 years ago I think and not even sure of yesterday. Yesterday is a strange word to me, since everything happend yesterday, not last week, years ago, but just yesterday. Family and friends around to help, yes I am lucky that way I guess, but they fuckin piss me off, I feel that they hover, whether they do or not is not the point it is how I feel and it makes me feel trapped.  Now if they didn's I probably would get angry that no one gave a dam. No fun in this brain these days.

God Bless & Keep You & This Country of Ours!


mmoc said...

I just think it is wonderful that you are able to write down some of how you feel, Joe. Even though it is probably hard for you, I want you to know that it is really helpful for me and understanding my Dad who has AD and who struggles for the words to explain it.
It is a mysterious thing and your honesty in writing is really appreciated.
God Bless and Keep you,

karen said...

I get mad when people are trying to help me care for mom to much cause they are in the way most of the time and than if the stay away I get mad cause I have to do everything my safe. It works both ways . I bet they get mad at you as much as you get mad at them. God bless.

Carlyn said...

Your writing really is beautiful. Please keep it up and know that what you say matters and it is appreciated!