Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Another Day in Dream Land!

where i get my titles is unknown to me. But it seems that my dreams and my reality are starting to be one in the same. I wake up hear voices, it is my dream entering my what ever you call it, I guess my here and now. It takes awhile for things to clear up. I am normally fine until this time of the day, after this 11:30 or so, the day just plain disappears on me. I no longer can do math by hand and mind, need a calculaor, pisses me off to no end. I had to leave twitter, sokule & facebook, could not keeep up with them. Hells bells I have enough problems with this thing. Had numerous on line business and affiliate accounts have closed them as well. Although things were witen down and all in a book organized, I got to confused and angry and just could not handle things. As of today the Joe that I once kew no longer exists. I am becoming someone else and I am not happy over that. Yesterday I turned 65 an age I never ever expected to reach or frankly wanted to, especially in my drunkin druggie days of my 20's. In my 20's did not know what the hell I was doing, somethings never change back in the saddle, no drugs or alcohol, don't need it now, brain is fucked as it is. Strange family was over last night but yet I was alone and am most of the time. Feelings towards others seem to keeep getting farther and farther from me. They are not leaving, I AM. I do not hear words right anymore, no car, problems with the bills and the check book, my wife Lynn can go to give me a kiss an it will scare the crap out of me. I forget who she is. So much for my babeling soon it will be Turkey Day, yes I will over eat and be in gastric distress big time. I even got some of the big words right this time, no red lines under them, look out. Bye for now.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!
Joe

4 comments:

karen said...

Happy Birthday and I love your new picture. I am glad you are still doing this blog. I am a caregiver and now I know what my mom was dealing with in her early stages. It makes me better care for her now. She was in Hell and we did not know it. I hope she forgives us.

rilera said...

Thank you Joe for your insightful posts. It helps me to understand my mom in her early stages. She must have been so fearful. Hang in there Joe. God Bless You.

Malin said...

Hi Joe! I just finished watching "The Alzheimer's Project". My grandmother was diagnosed a couple of years ago, and God knows how many years the disease had been growing inside of her before anyone really understood that it was more than just her age playing tricks on her. She turned 90 today actually. The reason I think we didn't notice the amount of her dementia earlier was because of my grandfather, and the way he covered up for her. As long as he was around, we didn't notice anything wrong. But then he passed away and my grandmother was alone. Years went by, she got worse and finally we managed to get her into a nice home for people with Alzheimer's. She doesn't remember us anymore. Sometimes she yells at us to go away. Sometimes she cries. Sometimes I'm convinced she knows who we are, or at least that we care about her and love her unconditionally. Why am I writing all this? I don't know. I hate this disease. It's a thief of souls and hearts and memories. But you have to fight back as hard as you can. Watching you on the TV made me smile. You're a fighter, Joe. Hang in there and take care of yourself!

shellyk said...

I voted for you on Wellsphere and am making my way through the archive. You are an amazing man and I appreciate your willingness to share your thoughts. I just found your blog when I googled your name- I am a nurse in a nursing home and my company used the Memory Loss Tapes from HBO for "sensitivity training". More important- my husband's mother died in January 09 after suffering with AD for 16+ years. Your frank comments remind me of her- she used to tell me "my mind is a sheet- it's a blank sheet". I try to keep that image in my mind- a plain sheet on a clothesline, swaying with the wind- nothing on it- blank- where her memories were. I will be reading regularly. Keep your comments going to remind the medical "professionals" how much we DON'T know. WE have NO idea what you're experiencing and I hope we all are smart enough to admit it!