Thursday, June 18, 2009

I Am Back, Ready or Not.

You know, no you don't, but this damn disease is a real bitch at times. I find myself having to seperate and kind of hide to keep from lashing out. We have had our one daughter and grand kids and son in law with us almost 3 weeks I think, am not handlin this well. I love them, but.

My wife and I are starting to lock horns more, she thought my last post was rather mean and spiteful, I think that is how she put it. My reply was, well you guessed it eat shit and bark at the moon. I write what I feel and how I see it. It may be clouded it maybe one sided, but it is all I know. I make no excuses for what and how I put it. Those that live in this World with me, they know, they understand and hopefully I say what they cannot at least for now, while I am able to . Yes I am angry as I write this today, better to put it here than where else I might.

Ino We that live with AD, really find ourselves fucked up alot of the time, understanding the real confusion and loss we feel is difficult I know for those on the outside looking in. See we can not get back to the outside to look in, we are stuck here and sinking deeper. Try to imagine the darkness starting to encase you slowly and you cannot stop it and you want out and NO not for you. What is that old saying when Casey at The Bat struck out, there is no joy in mudville.

Well enough from me. You all have a great day and wonderful
God know the idiots in Washington won't fix it, but only screw us more.

God Bless You & This Country of Ours!


colleenmc said...

God bless you too, Joe.

kenju said...

You are entitled to be mean, Joe. I think I would be too. You need a place to put that anger, and where better than a blog?

Cyn City said...

I'm sorry you and your wife are locking horns. This cannot be easy for her either and I'm sure she has her own anger and pain to deal with. On some level I think she understands where you are coming from and there is lttle she can do.

That being said...please do not censor yourself or water down your thoughts (not that you would). We followers appreciate the REAL JOE so much. It may not always be easy to hear, but your blog is so necissary and important to a lot of us.

God bless you and your family.

LovingGrand said...

Went to write a comment and Cyn Cyn already wrote my thoughts. Once again someone else beat me to it.

Oh well - I ditto her comments and ask that you not censor anything, the good, the bad, and the really ugly.


Dezi said...

I have to be honest I fell in love with your disposition towards AD, and I appreciate so much that you made a blog devoted to dealing with it. I originally heard your story from The Alzheimer's Project on HBO, and as soon as you mentioned your blog I got on my laptop to find it. My grandfather was diagnosed with the disease about 5 years ago, I love him dearly but it kills me to see what he goes through. Just know there are people out there to support you Joe. All the best!

tksinclair said...

I can't imagine being in your or your wife's position. And let's face it, I hope I never have to. I have been a part-time caretaker of my grandmother who had AD but that's not even close to what you are both dealing with. I can't bear to imagine the darkness encasing me. It's both terrifying and horrifying. Sometimes anger is the only choice a person has when the darkness closes in. At least with anger you feel like you have some control.

BTW, we've been supporting nine people for over a year now due to unemployment and while I deal with it better than my husband it's a challenge at best. I can only guess that with AD the extra confusion, noise - brought on by a house full of people, just being people - in your house is at times incredibly difficult to handle from everyones position. I would also guess that the frustation of AD doesn't allow for any extra patience it may take to deal with the "normal" absurdities of life and a house filled with people.

There's no sense keeping a blog if you're not going to be, at least at times, brutally honest. I find I write when I know what I have to say (yell or scream) would most likely knock the other person out of their shoes!

Anonymous said...

There is nothing easy or helpful I or anyone can say from the outside world, Joe. I am moved to tears, and sometimes a smile sharing your journey with you via this blog.

Do what you have to do to do, Joe. If your blogs bother your wife (which may be understandable) perhaps she needs to take a break from reading them. Or you can warn her you are having a bad day and she may not like to read it.

Just a thought...I am sure it will all work out.

For my own selfish interests, I hope you continue to be honest in your blogs.

Wishing you Peace and clarity


Anonymous said...


I work in Geriatric Neuropsychology and have been involved in dementia research for several years now.
However, seeing the HBO series and your story in particular has given me a new understanding of the personal experience of the disease.
I am truely grateful that you were willing to share your story of stuggle and resilience as you battle this condition.
I look forward to hearing more from you in the future.

Pat Sleeth B.S.

Anonymous said...

hey dad, don't worry (and i know you're not) but we were ready to leave was a bit overwhelmong for us to be there as well, but thanks for having us. i love you dad.