Friday, May 18, 2007

To My Daughter - My Terror

Dear Daughter,
I can only imagine your fear and how scarred you must be. You see, the brother you lost 5 years ago was my son and I lost him to. I have had to learn to accept and love the new person he is because of the acccident. But I can still remember having to teach him to wipe his ass all over again at 17, how to walk, to talk, to spelll (me of all people), you were not there the first day they sat him up in bed and he just ddroped over and drulled and I had to leave the room because I could not stand it and had to go back in and help, that is what parents do. I lost your sister twice when she got married both times also, I was sad but was filled with hope and joy for her future, which seems to be coming together. Your other sister, yes you guys never really had her, but neither did mom and I, she put us through hell, such as I wanted to beat her sense, but that would not have helped becauuuse she already was senseless. I remember carring her in my arms bleeding to death because of her canceer and now she has given us two really beutiful grandchildren, your niece and nephew. You I will be loosing soon to someone you love dearly and I will be hurt but happy for the adventure that awaits you and the wonder that can be yours. I climb a mountain from time to time to survey as far back as I can see to the present to look for the rays of hope for each of you and I have seen them. Maybe you need to due the same with your older sister and get awaaay from the trees so you can see the ever so small changes and the attempts she is making and open your heart. I have learned not to morn over losses of those we love, but to cherrish the time that we have had with them. Scarry step into my brain where the storm continually rages and I cannot find my way. Shit I can not even hold your mother anymore and love her as I did once, becuase I forget how to. Don't cry for me or pitty me, this is the way it is period. Don't have to like it, but loved one we cannot change it. The doctors are changing my meds the time I take them and the doses to try and slow things down. Will it help, who knows? But I do what I have to. I have always loved you guys and will even when I no longer can remember who you are. I have tried and probably failed miserabllly at times to be the best I could for you guys and do the best and right thing. But I am only a person with faults and now a failing brain. It may scar you, but try to listen to the Alzheimers Prayer on my site. Plays best unfortunately in IE and maybe it may help. But remember you I love and am proud of as I am all of my family.

With Gods Love,
Your Dad
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