Tuesday, January 02, 2007

A Little Levity for the New Year

I wanted to start the New Year off with a little levity, what
follows is a message I got from a dear friend, how true and enjoy. Our
disease needs humor in it.

Subject: Seniors, you can't replace experience with anything.

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
Social Security check, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place
for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that
brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by
way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My
thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas
I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, but when I try
to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no

Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue to your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer
is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to
the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again
following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover
the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)


God Bless You All and This Great County of Ours!


Dirty Butter said...

Thanks for a good laugh, even though the point of the letter is serious business. At least the bank saw themselves in it enough to have it published. And kudos to the 98 year old lady for composing such a witty letter!

Dirty Butter said...

Hi Joe!

I’d like to invite you to join our family friendly BLOG VILLAGE TopList. We have 245 members, and we’re striving for a diverse group of blogs. I think your blog would be a great addition.

You can find out more about it at the Blog Village blog.

Anonymous said...

Yes we can be buggers, but how true it is.

Janey Loree said...

This post was great! Joseph, welcome to BLOG VILLAGE!!!